The Land Where Coca-Cola Reigns: Top 20 Things I Learned While in Honduras

Sexy Honduran man in front of his pimped out moto. Irresistible

A Few Valuable Things I Learned While in Honduras

1. Clearly, the best way to attract a pretty woman is to hiss at her. If that doesn’t work, send an obnoxious smacking noise her way. If that still fails to capture her heart, say “I love you bay-bee” in the creepiest voice possible, while rubbing your belly. If for some odd reason these fail proof tactics do not work, try running her over with your car, because if she is wounded she makes for easy prey.
2. Fried chicken and french fries can be eaten at any time of the day.
3. Jeans should always be worn at least two sizes too small in order to emphasize that which we call “the muffin top”.
4. When in doubt, deep fry it.
5. Taking a hot shower is bad for you, because it will “melt your bones”.
6. Brushing your teeth is optional.
7. Heels and 80’s prom dresses are perfectly acceptable attire for a 10 am trip to the grocery store, to pick up your kid from school, or simply while lounging around on a Sunday.
8. See through mesh shirts are always in style, and evidently, American Eagle and Abercrombie never went out.
9. The best way to celebrate a birthday is by popping off fireworks at 4 in the morning for all to enjoy.
10. The maximum occupancy instructed by the maker of a vehicle is negotiable. When the sticker says 12 passengers, it really means 30.
11. Fingernails are not only perfect tools for picking your teeth, but they are also excellent for picking your nose. They can also be utilized to clean out the dirt accumulated underneath your other nails.
12. Texting while driving is imperative to getting to your final destination. It has been proven safe, especially while driving a bus filled with 50 passengers whose lives are in your hands.
13. Anything can be used as a drinking glass. Some of my personal favorites are Yoplait containers and Preggo jars. Plastic baggies also make excellent to go cups.
14. Coca Cola is God, and clearly, the cure to any ailment.
15. Unless you are running from a pack of street dogs or from the police, running as a hobby is strange.
16. Burning trash is an effective way to get rid of waste.
17. Boone’s Farm and Vienna sausages make for excellent gift ideas.
18. Crisco is a staple food item.
19. It is of the utmost importance that you have perfect penmanship. If not, surely your whole life is doomed for failure.
20. Toothbrushes, batteries, and fried fish are only a few of many practical items to hawk on a bus.

Stay classy,  Honduras.